Boywatching is an imprecise science, which is why you have to do so much of it.
The Chloe Bennet Scientifically Proven Spreadsheet for the Analysis of The Boy is actually still a work in progress. I think it will always be a work in progress, because there’s always new material to draw on. And the more you know, the more complicated it gets; for instance, you can draw one conclusion from The Boy in his natural environment (e.g. playing football in the park with his mates) and another from his unnatural environment (e.g. with hair brushed, trying to be polite to your parents).
Plus boys grow up (although this can be a very slow process) and that can skew the results too. So you have to be ever vigilant.
But rather like observing animals in the wild in a David Attenborough nature programme, the more you record your results the nearer you get to understanding the creatures.
The CB system is first of all based on Key Observation Points/Positive Attributes – which include Availability – Unboringness – Chat-Up Techniques/Good – Danceability – Hair (ability to wash) – Humour (sense of, defined by actual witty comments) – Hips/Bums (how they look in jeans) – Intelligence (as in can hold a conversation) – Kind to Children and Animals (self-explan.)
vs Key Observation Points/Negative Attributes – Chat-up Techniques/Bad – Farts (finding funny) – Bad Teasing – Ignoring You When He’s With His Mates – Never Answers Texts etc.
And then this is coupled with a quite complicated spreadsheet covering the all-important issues of Compatability; Suitability; Sustainability which have to be worked out from the point of view of you and your friends.
So you could do a bit of practising first before using the system on Real Boys. I’ve chosen a few boys/men who I think can teach us a thing or two. Some of them, of course, ARE Real Boys, but some of them are unreal boys in that they are the figments of someone’s imagination. But I think you can learn lots and lots of real lessons from imaginary characters. Not just people you know from films but even better – from books. Being Jane Austen’s number one fan, I feel strongly about this.
….has the advantage of being Real, even if he is a bit inaccessible on account of being a world-famous multimillionaire who we’re unlikely ever to get to meet. But in case we did, we know he’d score highly in:
Humour (check out his interviews on pretty well any chat show) ; Intelligence ; Unboringness (if you got to know him really well he might even tell you all about acting and his famous friends)
Plus he’s very polite so he’d also score high marks in:
Chat-Up Techniques/Good; Calls Instead of Texts categories.
Compatibility: he’s not very tall, so if you’re six foot or more you might want to bear that in mind.
Even though it might make us seem a bit vacuous (although just to use that word means we can’t possibly BE it), we have plenty of categories for Looks Good in Jeans; Fabulous Hips, Bums; Great Hair; Handsome Arms. Clearly Zac cleans up in all these categories.
We also have a category for Great Kissing. I’m fairly sure that Zac would score very highly here too. Just a question of having the access to do the research….
No, come back! Bart is an interesting specimen because he IS interesting. He’s Intelligent (even though he tries to disguise it); he has unusual Chat-Up Techniques; he Looks You in the Eye When he Says Something; he definitely scores on Sense of Humour; he’s never Spotty and his Hair is never dirty. Plus he Looks Good in Shorts (provided someone hasn’t already eaten them).
But on the other hand ( there is a LOT of other hand even if it’s only got four fingers) he is Rude, Selfish, Incompatible and really not very interested in girls.
But I bet you can trace a little bit of Bart in the DNA of most boys you know….
Scores full marks in Hair/Hips/Kind to Children and Animals (anyone who finds time to rescue and adopt a dog in the middle of making a film scores that point). And the fact that he’s broken pretty well every important bit of him in the course of skiing/motorbiking/climbing makes him Physically Brave and Interesting.
Low scores on Sustainability, though, as he seems to be a bit of a Girl Watcher…..
…is by way of being my favourite unreal boyfriend in the world. Of course we don’t know much about how well he’d score in Hips/Bums/Looks Good in Jeans categories, but we’re pretty sure he wouldn’t let us down. According to some depictions, we do know his Hair looks extra good when wet, and we eventually know that he’s Kind To Children and Animals, that he has a Sense of Humour and that he’s very very Unboring.
He did, though, have a terrible Chat-Up Technique.
Unfortunately we also eventually know that he’s Unavailable. So although I, for instance, know that he and I are totally Compatible I’ll never be able to prove it one way or the other.
The annual joint school dance (aka the Snog Fest) is looming, and Chloe and her three best friends are determined not to repeat last year’s disaster, which led to Year 9’s top Mean Girl, Maggie, humiliating them online as a pack of sad losers. First they need to figure out just what’s going with the utterly incomprehensible yet strangely attractive St Thomas’s boys – and so the science of BoyWatching is born…
Boywatching by Chloe Bennet is out now!